Little life lessons....

I've not used this space very often as a place to speak of emotional/spiritual things, but I felt it was worth sharing.

Over the years I've become increasingly aware of all the ways the world tells us to be attractive, to please other people, and to live for others' approval. Unlearning those lessons is something I've been working on since my teenage years, and as a result I've been acutely aware of the words I use when I speak to and about my daughter--and about myself in her presence.

But, I guess it caught me off guard when I had such a conversation about self-image and self-worth with my six year old son. Six year old boys aren't affected by such messages are they? *sigh* I was clueless.

I was sitting on the couch with my kids. It was a lazy day, with my son having a 24 hour stomach bug. So we cuddled on the couch and watched movies.

All out of the blue, Asher begins crying. I asked him what was wrong.

"My teeth are crooked! But I don't want braces!"

Now, Asher is only six. He only has two of his permanent teeth, and several loose baby teeth--the top ones being slightly bucked since he still sucks his thumb. I tried to brush it off. "Well, babe, if you get braces it won't be for many more years after your adult teeth are in, so no worries."

"But I don't want them!"

"Okay, so don't get them. No one is going to make you get braces if you don't want them."

"But, if I don't get braces, since I've sucked my thumb, my teeth will be crooked..."  as he bursts into tears again.

"Well, that's not the end of the world, son. When the time comes, if your teeth are crooked, you can decide if you want braces to make them straight or keep them as they are."

"But, if i don't get braces, all my friends will be MAD at me and not like me!"

Whoah. Hold on a second. All this time I had been on hold with the insurance company, as I tried to get him thinking on another topic and not worrying about it. At that moment, something cut into my soul. My son was being attacked by the goblin that's been chasing me for 31 years. The People Pleaser. An ugly manifestation of shame. I hanged up the phone.

I told Asher to come sit in my lap and I held him as he sobbed.

"Listen to me, son. God has made you beautiful and unique, inside and out. He chose your hair and eye color, your height, what your fingers would look like, and the shape of your teeth and mouth. It's his artwork. But he's also given us our bodies to take care of. It's why we bathe and brush our teeth and cut our nails. God lets us share in making his artwork. It's why some people dress one way, and others another way. It's why we style our hair differently. But God put you in charge of your body. So if you want a mohawk or a traditional haircut, fine. If you want to wear one outfit or another, fine. If you want to dye your hair, fine. But do it because you want to, and because it makes you smile, not because you don't like God's artwork, and not because you're afraid your friends will not like you if you don't.

If you want braces when you are older, if you need them, that is fine. If you don't want them, that is also fine. Your friends will not care, and if they do, they are not your friends. One is not better than the other, just personal preference, like how you style your hair."

I hope the message took. But sadly I know I'm going to have to say the same message, in a thousand different ways, every day, in my actions and words...to my children, to myself, and to the world. Shame is a nasty beast and it does not die without a fight. But I believe the battle is crucial.

You are beautiful. You are inherently "worthy of love and belonging" (to quote Brene Brown).

Peace to you all. And Happy 2014.